On sadness...

So I have been reflecting over the past few days about those whom I have lost.  Maybe it is because of the reality of human mortality that I have been reminded of lately.  

I was talking with a friend last week. She is struggling with the death of a friend who was only 19 years old. They were childhood friends and now she is gone. My friend is sad.  

I went the funeral of one of my dad's cousins.  I think I had met her when I was a child.  I have pictures of her children when they were young, but now they are older, and their mom is gone. They are sad.  

My godfather was there.  It was his sister who died..  I haven't seen him for years but he was just as sweet and generous with his love then as he was when as a child I used to climb into his huge lap.  He is sad.  

And I am hurting for them, but you just can't take grief from someone.  I can sit with someone in the midst of it, I can put my arm around them, I can share the technicalities of the grief process with them so they knows what to expect, but ultimately each one must dance alone with sadness. The funny thing about this partner is that it is no respecter of person, gender, race, or social status.  Sadness won't engage with you, it simply envelopes those who grieve and becomes part of that life.  

Sadness never really goes away.  It becomes part of your life.  Like your hair, you live with it, some days you notice it and other days you realize that you haven't really even thought about it in several days.  It never really leaves but it does go through a morphing process.  When the raw newness of grief is soften by time, we are able to peel back the rough edges to reveal the bittersweet within, the bittersweet of the memories of sparkling laughter, soft kisses, soulful looks. It is then that we are able to revisit those we have loved without experiencing the sharpness of the loss. 

As I have been thinking about my own waltz with grief.  The music of loss still brings me to the phone to call my dad, even after eight years of saying goodbye.  And as I reach to dial I realize that there is no longer a number where I can reach him.  And I take another spin around the floor of my reality.

Yesterday, I took my mom to the hospital.  I have convalesced her through many medical issues in the past, but this was different.  I heard a whisper of the sadness that is eminent in my life when she is gone.  I am preparing myself for that dance which will leave me orphaned, even at my age.  Mum is home today.  She will make a full recovery, but the entire event, regardless of how minor, gave me pause.

I am thankful I have the Comforter to fill me today and tomorrow as I face the things of this life. I am blessed to have others who are willing to sit with me as I dance to the dirge of loss and I am thankful I have been given a heart that is willing to sit with others while they dance. 

Jesus wept. So should we allow ourselves and others.

In the Dust of the Rabbi~

Christy