Be Careful Little Eyes

My alarm went off the morning and the sun was shining and the birds were singing.  I floated off to a clean kitchen to pour myself a cup of already brewed and steaming hot coffee, which I took to my sanctuary where I met with the Lord for 30 minutes of blissful intimacy with God.  As I finished praising him with a resolute “Amen”, the alarms of my children woke them gently to greet the day.  Sharing the mirror, dressed in their finest, they washed brushed and powered perfect faces as I prepared a nutritious hot and filling breakfast which they had ample time to finish in time to walk to the bus and head into their educational journey of the day.  I washed the dishes, dressed to my shoes, as the laundry whirled in the machines.   Neatly and efficiently checking items from my "to do" list, enabled me to send a card of encouragement, make a meal for a friend, and pick a basket of apples before heading out to the grocery store to do my weekly shopping.  Within a few short hours I had stopped at the post office, made a deposit at the bank, dropped off the recycling and the meal for my sick friend.  Picking up a cup of coffee, I efficiently saved over 60% on the groceries thanks to my well maintained coupon binder.  I arrived home in time to get dinner started and bake a fresh batch of cookies for the kids to snack on after school.  A hot well balanced meal was on the table when my husband arrived home from work and we sat together as a family to eat and share the blessings of the day.  Our evening was filled with the quiet thinking that accompanies homework, evening devotions and a walk around the block as a family.  Nightly prayers with each child a their bedside tucked away the day and my husband and I share a meaningful conversation before retiring ourselves at a hour which would provide us a complete 8 hours of restful sleep………

BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP

My alarm went off and my feet hit the cold floor with the reality that I had slept in, and my dream was shattered.  I am not that woman, wife and mother, in the dream sequence I relayed previously.  I forget numerous phone calls that need to be made, return home only to find I had forgotten to go to the grocery store, the laundry piles up and the dishes spend more time soaking than waiting in the cupboards.  I miss deadlines, forget to pack lunches, lose sign and returns, and rely way too heavily on my calendar and spell check.  I really gave up the superwoman myth years ago, Proverbs 31 woman is not a literal goal I have set for my life.  And I am okay with that.  It took years for me to admit I am not perfect nor should I be, nor will I ever be.  I am a work in progress and I rely on GRACE to water my field… daily.

Several days ago, my oldest announced, quite out of the blue, that she could not wait to get married and have babies.  Now, keep in mind, she is not dating at the present moment and there are no babies on her immediate horizon.  I think she was just sharing the desires of her heart to be a wife and mama… someday.  She also has dreams of college, a career, and world travel, all of which I think she can and will accomplish in her life with God’s grace.

…… It is also worth noting that this is the same child, who after many, many years of watching her Mama go through 2 high risk  pregnancies and then raising her younger siblings (one of which was a preemie) swore with every last fiber of her being she would NEVER EVER BIRTH CHILDREN!........  

So we chatted a bit about her newly embraced heart fire to nurture a family.   I told her I thought she would make a great mom and I do!  Very casually, and without much thought I mentioned a few of our younger mom friends who are great, loving and fantastic with their children, telling her that she had very good role models to fashion her life after. 

She kissed me on the cheek and said “And YOU, Mom!” bouncing off down the hallway with the happy though of someday being a mom herself. 

I haven’t been able to get her comment out of my head.  She and I have been through a lot together. 

A LOT!

I remember a time sitting in my pastor’s office crying that I was ruining her and she would someday be a mess as big as I was.  In his wisdom, he always encouraged me that although she was a strong willed child God had a plan for her life and He would use her, trust him, and trust God.  Eventually I did and God has been faithful.

And regardless of what I mess of a mom I think I am, she wants to be like me.  I hope and pray she takes all the good and leaves behind all of the bad. 

She was watching. 

What I think struck me hardest was the fact that all these years she saw…

she saw right through my flaws and saw my heart…

my heart for her and her siblings, my heart for her daddy, my heart for Jesus, my heart for people, and she found in her heart was planted a seed for the same.

Danetta & I, Easter circa 1997

Struggling?

How many times have you quietly wondered why another person, friend or foe, seemed to be sitting in the light of God’s favor while you yourself constantly struggle to stay obedient?  It’s not as if you wish others ill, in fact you are actually quite happy for those who don’t struggle, unlike yourself, who seems to live in a constant state of struggle. 

Being a follower of Jesus, I know that the rain falls on the just and the unjust.  God chooses to bless those whom he chooses.  Who am I to question His blessing, and who he chooses to bestow that blessing upon?  The hard thing about this blessing thing is that I really don’t envy those whom God is blessing, really.  In fact it is the most bizarre thing; I celebrate with each the blessing from the Lord I hear about.  When God is blessing others, it makes it obvious that God is still working in the lives of his children.  Why shouldn’t I celebrate? 

What still remains though is the question of struggle.  

I was speaking to a young friend the other day and she was struggling. She had the very same questions I have had.  She shared with me the very same things that I had thought but never had the courage to speak.  “Why do some of us struggle, while others seem to live a charmed life?”  I couldn’t answer her.  I had no idea.  And I felt bad because of the void she was experiencing. And it reminded me of the same void I occasionally have in my own life. 

I spent some time mulling over the question, spent some time asking that same question out loud to myself… to my husband… to God.  There was still silence, no answer, except grace.  And grace is enough.  Maybe there are some questions that we simply have to accept as fact, understanding that the answers are beyond ourselves. 

But then, something occurred to me.  I am sure it was the Holy Spirit speaking into my heart a truth I had not pondered before.  It occurred to me that all throughout the Scriptures, God uses some of the most marred, broken, and irregular people to accomplish his task and to show His glory.  Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  (1 Cor 12.9) This is a fact that we know. 

We also know that the miracles recorded in the ministry of Jesus are those of broken and hurting people, the leper, the bleeding woman, the demon possessed boy, the adulterous woman.  And we also know of countless, nameless, faceless others who were healed by his hand, but those are the ones for which we don’t have an intimate personal record of the life change they experienced. 

In the Old Testament, we have story after story of the imperfect vessels God chose to deliver His message, His blessings, His people… Joshua, Gideon, Elijah… and just as importantly there were nameless, faceless, faithful followers recorded. 

Here is the point.  God will use who He chooses to use.  It seems to me that he uses the most broken among us… not for our glory but for HIS.  There will be those who are faithful and true to the Lord and He will use them.  They will be counted among the faithful and their contribution to The Kingdom is valuable. 

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE…. If you are struggling, and you are faithful to what The LORD has called you to, the rain will fall.   It may seem like it is pouring with no relief in sight.  But God is on the throne; and He will use all things for good (Romans 8.28).   He may have chosen you to share your story with someone who is struggling… with the same thing you struggle with.  Your struggles may be the very thing that God want to use to bring glory to Him and freedom to His children.  If we can allow our storms to wash over us and we can do it without struggling against them, God can and will use them in our lives for good.  CELEBRATE! Rejoice in the fact that the Creator of the Universe chooses you, wants you and has a plan not only to redeem you but to redeem others with your story. 

The rain falls on the just and unjust.  But if others seem to be skating through life, let them be.  After the resurrection, Peter asked Jesus, “"Lord, what about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?  You must follow me." (John 21.21-.22)  Our responsibility is to follow Jesus, on our own path, not the path of others.  His grace is sufficient for every occasion.  And if He is choosing to use you, maybe, just maybe He knows that your story is important enough, broken enough, and full of struggles enough to be able to show others hope through you in Him. 

Struggling, but staying close to the dust of The Rabbi, 

~Christy