Missing you.... Missing me.... Just missing

I wasn't going to write about this observation, but it has a hold of me and it won’t let go. 

So, #1 child has a best friend.  Lately they have been drifting apart, and while she is sad about that, she understands extenuating circumstances.  She trusts that their relationship is strong enough to weather the storm.  She will always be a friend.  Isn't that the way it should be? 

The other day I noticed on social media this friend was tagged in a picture with another and the caption read something about “best friends.”  I am happy for both girls.  I understand the need to have true, lasting and healthy friendships in life.

But it got me to wondering….

Does the new best friend know that there once was another, before her? 

Does she know that there is another who she could thank for laying the foundation of true friendship? 

Now please don’t misunderstand….. #1 child, while feeling slightly orphaned,  is very excited for her bestie who has finally found what she has always wanted, a friend her own age who loves her without condition.

I wonder….why is it that we, although created to be highly relational, cannot be more inclusive of those we love?

But, #2 child has added fuel to my questioning fire. 

She has a best friend, as much as a middle school-er can have a best friend.  They just met a few months ago and spent a lot of time together.  But lately her best friend doesn't seem to have much time for her.  The notes which used to be passed between the two like water over Niagara Falls has slowed to an occasional rain drop in the midst of a drought. And she is feeling parched.

And #2 child doesn't understand why.

I wonder ……how can we love someone so much and then slowly, quietly without realizing what happened, not even think about them. 

How does love fade into mere cordial greetings and salutations?

And how do we explain something to our babies that we ourselves cannot fully understand?

I wonder… Is there someone out there who misses me?

I know I am missing a few friends from other seasons of my life. 

And I wonder about my responsibility in all of this? 

Do I need to invest?  Make a phone call? Drop a card? Stop by? 

“Self-imposed isolation” was a phrase a heard this week and it resonated ……in my very soul. 

And again I wondered…. Does anyone miss me? 

More importantly does Jesus miss me when I am in my self –imposed isolation? 

Trying to stay covered in the dust…. 

Knowing that means coming out of isolation ~Ch

The Story of Me.... Epilogue.... for now

My time with Aunt Fran was invaluable to my understanding of God’s grace to forgive all that I had experienced.  It was a unique situation but she discipled me that way that Jesus discipled his followers, by doing life together.  In doing so, she ingrained in me the need for real, authentic, transparent Christian community.  

This has become my passion….

mentoring, 

discipleship, 

small groups, 

community.  

To see those, who are where I once was, come into transformational relationship with Jesus is the cry of my heart. 

So, who am I?  

I am waiting to see. 

I am still working out my faith… daily, sometimes stumbling, but always looking forward.   

Today I have been married for almost 14 years to God’s gift to me.  

I am a mother of 3 amazing children who all seek to follow Christ and His call for their lives.  

I am the founding director of a  13 year old outreach ministry at my home church called Kids’ Closet, which                 I do strictly on a volunteer basis. 

I am the chair of the Adult Christian Education Committee, lead several small groups and engage in formal and informal mentoring of men and women of all ages. 

I am fully ordained by Church of God, Anderson as of June 2011.  

I obtained my Bachelor of Science degree in Christian Ministries from Mid-America Christian University in December of 2011. 

I have been blessed to teach at Western PA youth camp for the past 4 years and multiple other conferences and retreats.  

But my greatest title by far is 

a saved by grace child of The Most High God 

and it is on Him I trust and who I rely on to move me forward... 

while I stay covered in the dust of The Rabbi.

The Story of me.... Part 2

I am not sure why God is encouraging this testimony but He knows better than I.  

For a trip (pun completely intended) down memory lane, take your blinders off ......and away we go. 

I was a Sunday school drop off.  My parents instilled in me the traditional weekly obligation for church at an early age.  Whoever  was the most likely to be awake after Saturday night festivities would be the one who drove my little brother & I to Sunday school during my elementary years.   It was years before I knew there was more to the church building than the linoleum tiled basement where I learned about Jesus.  I was awed with the sanctuary when I finally did encounter it.  It was beautiful and not a place for the likes of me.... finger paint-covered, pig tailed, noisy shoed, drop off me.

My religious education came to an abrupt end when the pastor, a large, collared, gruff man, told me that I was not a good fit for the youth group because I was not willing to conform without question.  , It's not what he said, but what I heard was that I was not even good enough for Jesus to love. so, I easily bought into that lie and began to live that which was spoken over me.

I was a shell of a person, one who no one noticed, or paid attention to, or engaged with…. more ammunition for the Enemy when he whispered his lies.  I managed to navigate high school without major incident. Looking back, there was one event which further cemented my understanding of a God who loved only the  rightest, the beautiful, the best.  At 16, my cousin & I were invited to a very charismatic independent church in the area by a young man from marching band.  When we stepped in, there were banners flying and electric guitars, and an alter call that I went forward for.  I knew something was different but I didn’t have a Bible, I didn’t have a connection, I wasn’t shown the way.  I left there knowing that I had experienced the Divine, but I kept doing life the only way I knew how, alone. And no one noticed and no one cared.  

 It was during my first and only year away from home at college when I found what I believed to be freedom.  In reality it was the launch of all out warfare on my life.  My life was a cycle of dysfunction with alcoholism, addiction, abuse, & promiscuity.  At 19 a met a man, 19 years my senior, who I became involved with who further affirmed my lack of worth.  I stayed in a relationship, living with him for years, believing it was all I deserved.  Toward the end of nearly a decade together, I convinced him to have a baby with me.  Her birth was the best thing to have ever happened in my life yet it did nothing to change the dynamic of my relationship with her father as I had expected it would.  Actually, our relationship did change, for the worse.  I finally had a purpose and I was unwilling to endure abuse any longer.  I left on her 2^nd birthday with a police escort, in the dead of night and never looked back. 

We were homeless.  In rural Western PA homeless looks very different than stereotyped homelessness but I was 26, she was 2 and we were homeless.  We went to stay with an aunt, and I was still very frightened.  This aunt is not the kind who is related by blood but by love.  She loved Jesus and she loved us.  I fully intended to stay with her only until I could get a place of my own.  That temporary arrangement lasted nearly 2 years.  Gently, she introduced me to the love, true love of Jesus.  She taught me daily walking with Him.  She modeled obedience, submission, patience.  She showed me with her life how at times she wrestled with God and His will for her life and ours.  This was not the religion of my childhood, or the god who condemned my need for answers to tough questions.  I learned how to be submissive, patient, reliant, how to trust, respond, and accept the grace of The One True and Holy God.  

I was noticed. 

I was accepted.

I was loved....

dirty past, messy life, wounds and all.  I was loved.  

I am loved.... I cannot imagine choosing to return to that life that I once knew. I daily choose to remain in The One who know the number of hairs on my head and loves me anyway.  I have been found, healed and delivered from that which I was once enslaved to. And for that I give thanks daily.....

Covered in the dust.....

The story of me... part 1

It seems as if I tell this story often yet when I tried to find something I had written about it on my computer, there was nothing to be found.  Strange.

So here goes.

Today, I am covered in the dust of the Rabbi because I have learned there is Someone who does my life better than I do, Jesus.    

I make a daily choice to indulge in the fruit of The Spirit.  A daily choice to love, for joy, seeking peace, digging up patience, intentionally being kind, doing good, staying faithful, as gently as possible, with a constant check on myself.  It is not an easy task and often….very often, I fall short. 

Not making excuses but I am human and flawed.  (Surprised aren't you?)

But in addition to my human-ness and flaws, I have a soiled past that I am constantly struggling with and fighting against.  

I know that God uses all things for good  (Romans 8.28) and I know that He is doing just that in my life BUT much like Paul who was afflicted, I too am afflicted.  I am so thankful that His grace is sufficient! (2 Cor 12) 

Much like you cannot un-ring a bell, I cannot forget my past.  I can overcome it, I can manage it, I can deal with the repercussions of it but I cannot undo the life I have lived.  Some of my past experiences are a direct result of my own choosing and those are the most painful to remember.  But, some are due to the actions and choices of others; those are much easier to forgive.   Easier being a relative term. 

It is so difficult to put grace into words…. 

Even in my love affair with words, the challenge remains.  But, I guess if God were easy to understand He wouldn't be so majestic.  So, this is what I know. 

I am not the person I once was.  

The transformation is nothing short of divine.  When I share my testimony with those who know me now, I can see the struggle with comprehension.  When I encounter someone from my past they too struggle with comprehending the conversion.  Sometimes, I myself wonder how I have come to be the person I am today, this person was never even on the radar of the before Christ Christy.  

Who is she?  Not an easy answer.   

Where did she come from?  That is an easier question to answer, since that is what I know.  But revisiting the past is a precarious journey.  I am not afraid of becoming trapped  by the past, but pain is as real today as it when it first occurred.   The memories are my reality.  

If your are able and willing to make the trip with me, for the sake of others, we will embark soon.... 

In the mean time, I pray you stay covered in the dust of The Rabbi.

"Transformation"  

                                                    ~Victor Bregeda

My one word 2013

Words…

What would life be like without them? 

They are powerful. 

Holding the future for those who hear them. 

Destroying what could be.

Distorting what was. 

It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword. 

Words carry the power of life and death, let’s be honest.  Stick and stones may break my bones but words……

Words have wielded their power in my life…. for bad and for good. 

Words have been used by friend and foe in my life and whether the intent was to help or harm those words have left lasting scars on my life, on my heart, on my soul.  Scars leave the injured area tougher than before. 

Funny thing, I have a passionate love affair with words.  I find myself avoiding words… writing, reading, even at times speaking words, much like an addict avoids the object of her addiction.  Yet, I, like the junkie cannot stay away from my beloved for long.   I open the book, magazine, the kindle, even the labels in my kitchen and cannot stop feeding my hunger for words.  I swoon and sigh with relief as if the words itself satisfy an itch, a craving. 

And when, I can set aside my fear; unresolved, unreasonable, un-understandable, I share the words “bump tumbling” around in my head (thank you, T. Geisel).  Many of the words I share are not mine alone, but when you entertain friends for any length of time, they become part of you.  The lines blur, where you end and they begin melts into an ombre of thoughts and words. 

Words, mostly they have been a weapon formed against me which I have tried to dodge and run for cover from.  Have been…..

Was.

Past tense. 

I have learned many things since beginning my journey with Jesus Christ.  The lessons could fill a book.  In fact they have, the Bible.

Word… The Word was with God and The Word was God…. (John 1.1)

I could spend hours,

days,

weeks,

months trying to share with you the Truth I have found in Jesus,

The Word.

Maybe I will be able to articulate my understanding of The Word in the weeks to come.  But for now, I am claiming as my word for the year of 2013, “word”

It has so many dimensions.  I can scarcely scratch the surface nor possibly do my thoughts and ideas justice.  So suffice it to say that I will be diligent to try to use my words this year to bring glory and honor to God.

God SPOKE and created the cosmos with words.

God SAID man was created good.

God SENT His son.

God SPOKE and broke His silence to fallen world.

God CALLED the dead to rise.

God NAMED this child His beloved.

God SPOKE His desire to use me.

God SAID and I believed.

Jesus is The Word.  God Spoke.  He has placed in me a desire to use the words He has taught me the words He has placed in me.  My One Word for 2013 is "word."

Hang on… the implications are endless!

2013 Verse of the Year

Has it really been 4 months since my last post?  

I have no excuse, a lot of conviction but no excuse. Which I will get to in my next post…. Stay tuned! 

Every year for the past several years I have chosen a life verse for the year.  This has been an amazing process to see what God through His word claimed in my life.  I love it and so I continue that tradition this year.  

Funny enough, the verse that the Lord usually brings to me is not one I always like or would pick for myself.   For example, a few years ago, nearly toward the end of January, the Holy Spirit kept revealing Exodus 14.14 to me. In the Message Exodus 14.14 reads

"God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"

Now, for any of you who know me, even a little bit, keeping my mouth shut is not a gift of mine!  And when I am confronted, at any point, I feel the obligation, nay even the responsibility to defend myself, my family, my friends, my reputation, even the truth! But God impressed upon me the absolute necessity to let Him handle whatever I was facing.  It took several weeks for me to completely understand how the Holy Spirit was using this word in my life for His glory, but little by little, challenge by challenge, I learned.  Throughout that entire year God gently reminded me of His promise to fight and my responsibly to let him.  This lesson even spilled over into learning to be submissive to my husband.  And time after time God proved faithful and I learned yet another aspect of His true love for me.  I am sure there were several in my circle of friends who may have gotten sick of hearing “Exodus 14.14” but I believe it impacted their lives as well. Learning to be still is not a lesson that is soon forgotten. 

Exodus 14.14 NIV

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

I could go on and on with similar stories of God’s faithfulness when I have applied His Word to my life, but, I would like to tell you about my verse for 2013 and how it came to be.

Last year in December of 2012, I received my bachelor’s degree in Christian Ministries.  I have been ordained as a pastor since July of 2011.  I received the called into full time vocational ministry in October 2003.  I have been waiting on God for his provision for 10 years.  Sometimes I wonder if this is how Sarah felt waiting for God’s promise.  OK, that may be a stretch, but I feel the ache of being pregnant with the promise of God yet wonder when He will deliver.   

I have been blessed to see those I have mentored and discipled step into the calling that God has promised for them.  And while I rejoice with them, there are slight pangs of discouragement.  Why not me?  Am I doing something wrong?  Am I not friendly enough?  Not pretty enough?  Then my girl-flesh kicks in and if I were to entertain my rampant imagination, I would end up questioning every single little thing about me, from my character to my calling to my hair color! (Which, by the way, is quickly fading to grey)

So for the past few months, I have been trying to focus on the ways that God is using me for His glory, in spite of my lack of a place to punch in to do it.  I have been stepping out of my comfort zone to try new things with new people in ministry and I have been blessed.  I have been celebrating what God is doing in spite of my lack of a title or position.  I have shared salvation with the dying and seen lives change.  I am not afraid to get my hands messy in the midst of ministry, vocational or not.  I have even considered going to work in a secular job and using my giftedness to share the Good News that way.  Yet, no. 

I do not want to be like Sarah and try to force God’s will, so I wait.  In the meantime I will be faithful to what he has called me to.  So I prepare myself and when the time is ready I will take up the mantle just as Elisha did with Elijah’s mantle (2 Kings 2.13)

Which brings me to my verse for 2013. I am called of God. I do have a work to do. I am being used for His glory.  It has taken me a long time to separate my calling from a job. (Which is reasonable since I am a pastor!) But in my case, I need to separate the two, or wallow in self-pity because I can’t find a church which is willing to even interview me! So, I am trusting God.  Verse of the year for 2012 was

Habakkuk 3.2 “But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.”  

Continuing His work in my life, God has impressed upon me for the 2013 calendar year I will be claiming

Isaiah 61.1-3

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;  to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion-- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

I posted this scripture to my social media site and was truly encouraged by many people.  One comment in particular was complete and total affirmation for me.  My friend said….

“My friend I can personally attest to the fact that you are well on your way to this well before 2013…. You are a poster child for this verse! You have been a rock to me and many others. Your friendship and support seem to have no end, even when contact is sparse, I know I could call on you any time and you'll be there. Thank you for everything! You are a good and faithful servant!”

What more could I ask for?

Praising God because His Spirit is upon me, with or without a “job”!

Be Careful Little Eyes

My alarm went off the morning and the sun was shining and the birds were singing.  I floated off to a clean kitchen to pour myself a cup of already brewed and steaming hot coffee, which I took to my sanctuary where I met with the Lord for 30 minutes of blissful intimacy with God.  As I finished praising him with a resolute “Amen”, the alarms of my children woke them gently to greet the day.  Sharing the mirror, dressed in their finest, they washed brushed and powered perfect faces as I prepared a nutritious hot and filling breakfast which they had ample time to finish in time to walk to the bus and head into their educational journey of the day.  I washed the dishes, dressed to my shoes, as the laundry whirled in the machines.   Neatly and efficiently checking items from my "to do" list, enabled me to send a card of encouragement, make a meal for a friend, and pick a basket of apples before heading out to the grocery store to do my weekly shopping.  Within a few short hours I had stopped at the post office, made a deposit at the bank, dropped off the recycling and the meal for my sick friend.  Picking up a cup of coffee, I efficiently saved over 60% on the groceries thanks to my well maintained coupon binder.  I arrived home in time to get dinner started and bake a fresh batch of cookies for the kids to snack on after school.  A hot well balanced meal was on the table when my husband arrived home from work and we sat together as a family to eat and share the blessings of the day.  Our evening was filled with the quiet thinking that accompanies homework, evening devotions and a walk around the block as a family.  Nightly prayers with each child a their bedside tucked away the day and my husband and I share a meaningful conversation before retiring ourselves at a hour which would provide us a complete 8 hours of restful sleep………

BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP

My alarm went off and my feet hit the cold floor with the reality that I had slept in, and my dream was shattered.  I am not that woman, wife and mother, in the dream sequence I relayed previously.  I forget numerous phone calls that need to be made, return home only to find I had forgotten to go to the grocery store, the laundry piles up and the dishes spend more time soaking than waiting in the cupboards.  I miss deadlines, forget to pack lunches, lose sign and returns, and rely way too heavily on my calendar and spell check.  I really gave up the superwoman myth years ago, Proverbs 31 woman is not a literal goal I have set for my life.  And I am okay with that.  It took years for me to admit I am not perfect nor should I be, nor will I ever be.  I am a work in progress and I rely on GRACE to water my field… daily.

Several days ago, my oldest announced, quite out of the blue, that she could not wait to get married and have babies.  Now, keep in mind, she is not dating at the present moment and there are no babies on her immediate horizon.  I think she was just sharing the desires of her heart to be a wife and mama… someday.  She also has dreams of college, a career, and world travel, all of which I think she can and will accomplish in her life with God’s grace.

…… It is also worth noting that this is the same child, who after many, many years of watching her Mama go through 2 high risk  pregnancies and then raising her younger siblings (one of which was a preemie) swore with every last fiber of her being she would NEVER EVER BIRTH CHILDREN!........  

So we chatted a bit about her newly embraced heart fire to nurture a family.   I told her I thought she would make a great mom and I do!  Very casually, and without much thought I mentioned a few of our younger mom friends who are great, loving and fantastic with their children, telling her that she had very good role models to fashion her life after. 

She kissed me on the cheek and said “And YOU, Mom!” bouncing off down the hallway with the happy though of someday being a mom herself. 

I haven’t been able to get her comment out of my head.  She and I have been through a lot together. 

A LOT!

I remember a time sitting in my pastor’s office crying that I was ruining her and she would someday be a mess as big as I was.  In his wisdom, he always encouraged me that although she was a strong willed child God had a plan for her life and He would use her, trust him, and trust God.  Eventually I did and God has been faithful.

And regardless of what I mess of a mom I think I am, she wants to be like me.  I hope and pray she takes all the good and leaves behind all of the bad. 

She was watching. 

What I think struck me hardest was the fact that all these years she saw…

she saw right through my flaws and saw my heart…

my heart for her and her siblings, my heart for her daddy, my heart for Jesus, my heart for people, and she found in her heart was planted a seed for the same.

Danetta & I, Easter circa 1997